Quzma

It is slavery.

My holidays are not coming after all.

How to cope with this?

there is no love inna babylon.
there is no justice inna babylon.
there is no light inna babylon.
there is no god inna babylon.
there is no happiness inna babylon.
there is no fairness inna babylon.

it is cold in here.

Stress overloads seem to be a normal thing today. Most of them are money related. Money stress comes in two different variations: deprivation of money and greed for money. One can transform into another rather easily.

Often, money is not straightforward cause, but more a subtle, underground root. I have observed this on many people, and self of course. Since I usually spend most of the money by the end of the month, I always get nervous and stressed when the reserves become thin. This then reflects into almost all parts of waking and dreaming life.

Amount of adrenaline secreted because of the money related or rooted issues in the last 50 years has probably surpassed all the adrenaline that was secreted in all the human being in the last 2 million or so years of our species. On the one hand, this makes us more effective and productive then ever. On the other hand, this makes us more miserable and alienated then ever.

It is not possible to function in society of today without money. It is not possible to leave the society without money. We truly are born into slavery. Even those that do not have an owner (so called employer) become slaves of their own greed or needs. Irrational, unevolutionary needs.

Melancholy and nostalgia are striking me as soon as I reach the bellybutton of my tribe, a wannabe modern age metropolis with lesser value complexes from the communist darkness. but its not the murky history or gray zeitgeist that is hounting its streets, parking lots and rails, its my personal experience that makes me wanna cry and laugh at the same time when I see TV antenna on a mountain high above it.

I have truly experienced my heights and my lows here. When I have been just a fresh adult, with philosophers and psychedelics buzzing in my head I arrived here to build up my independency, identity and knowledge. I did succeed, but I am still doubting the choices I have made here. One might argue that there were no choices - the path was predetermined in a lot of ways. Some opportunities have been rejected, mostly due to increasing loss of confidence in people. On the other hand, I started loving and caring here again, after so long. It is here that I have decisively started to look inward, recognize the patterns of the modern age man and accept flaws and weaknesses everybody is bearing deep inside, behind the shadows of ourselves and neon-lit fog.

So, first I was in awe at its millions of souls often functioning together as one. Then I started to despise it, and finally I settled at accepting and enjoying life as it comes. And just then, when it started to go seriously under my skin and all of my friends started telling me that I will never leave, just as hundreds of thousands stay here, whirlwind of life took me away from it.

So, I can try to fool myself that I am better off, but I love this city. I can fool myself that it would be great to live here again, but I know this is far from the truth. It is best not to overthink it, just allow this caravan of memories to pass by, maybe go for a long walk alongside its river, streets and parks, remember the good times as well as the bad ones, try to learn something through retrospection and leave life and destiny decide if I am coming back or not.

I will miss it. It will be the first time in years and years that I am really taking my anchor with me when leaving it in a couple of days.

whatever label you want to put on it, mourning for out civilization has already started. sins of our ancestors have caught up with us, we want a change, but change on such a big scale cannot be done easily, even inertia alone would be almost impossible to overcome, not to mention that most powerful forces of today keep pushing the wagon on the same direction it has been for centuries.

consciousness is rising and in a couple of generations, if we survive that long, victory will be hours and nobody will remember the ugly beast that is humanity today. but that is far away by our standards. we are living inside a dying giant. and that's why we mourn, for it is our home, no matter how filthy and daemonic it has become. it feeds us, nurture us, gives us shelter, it is our mother and our father. and it is dying.

of course that we will mourn.

so, listen to dubstep while you can, kids. in a couple of decades we'll have only generations of flower power.
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